.
Ask Dr. Dopolis - (October 31, 2000)

Dr. Dopolis is our on-staff "Technology Psychotherapist." Dr. Dopolis helps heal the relationships between users and their technology. We consider him one of the top (not to mention the only) Technology-Psychotherapists in the world.

One reader writes . . .

Dear Dr. Dopolis,

Help, I think the honeymoon is over. My new husband and I just can’t seem to get along as much as we used to. We used to love to go out and watch movies together (or even more romantic, sit in and watch movies at home), but now that we’re not dating, we fight about what to watch. He always wants to watch movies like "Bridges of Madison County" or "Notting Hill." I would like to see something a little more fun and compelling like "Robin Hood, Men in Tights" or "Blazing Saddles." My husband says that my sense of humor is juvenile, and that he just can’t relate to it. What should I do?

Signed:

Unhappy Wedlock

Dear Unhappy,

I would hate to see you concede your wedding over your taste in cinema.

I know that to each of you, these may seem like minor issues, but there’s something else going on beneath the surface, and I think I know what it is. It’s style. It’s how you relate to the world. To your husband, life seems to be more serious and maybe a bit dramatic. Your world, on the other hand, is more farcical, or whimsical, and just a bit outrageous. This will be a good point to remember as you approach most situations in your life. If you remember that this is how each of you takes in the world around you, then you will find much less conflict in your relationship.

So, you’re having a fundamental disagreement over style. But deeper than that, you’re disagreeing about how you view life. And life views are a difficult thing to understand, especially when it’s not your style, and you haven’t had the time to become familiar with it. But all is not lost. You are just going to have to share that DVD Anywhere. While it may be fun to snuggle down and watch a movie together, it’s not always necessary. Until you develop an appreciation for each other’s life view you might want to try out this solution. On a night when he’s out with the guys, pick out one of your favorite movies (I recommend "The Princess Bride" or "This is Spinal Tap"), put it into your PC’s DVD Player, connect DVD Anywhere to your PC so it will transmit the audio/video to your Television, then kick back on the living room couch, hit the play button on your Anywhere 2000 Remote, and laugh until you’re sides hurt! On those nights when hubbie wants to bring home something more serious like "French Kiss", give him room. Maybe plan a night out with the girls, or finish that book you’ve been reading for the last two months, but let him have the room to watch his movie.

Now you may feel that you’re conceding but this is not the case. One day you will learn to appreciate each other’s worldview, and you will find that with that understanding you will love to watch movies together. But that takes time, and it takes learning to truly know and understand each other. In the meantime, it would be unhealthy for either of you to try and change the other, as that is part of who you are. And that part of who he is, is who you fell in love with and why you married him. Do not ridicule him, or make fun, but encourage him to be him. And you make sure that he encourages you to be you. This way, neither of you will be left wondering what went wrong.

And Remember, technology is your friend.

Dr. Dopolis.

If you have a question for Dr. Dopolis, then send him an email at  xzone@x10.com