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Ask Dr. Dopolis - (October 23, 2000)

Dr. Dopolis is our on-staff "Technology Psychotherapist." Dr. Dopolis helps heal the relationships between users and their technology. We consider him one of the top (not to mention the only) Technology-Psychotherapists in the world.

One reader writes . . .

Dear Dr. Dopolis,

I’m a teenager, and my parents are far too over-protective. They live in terror that I’m going to do something wrong. They have an XCam2 in the living room that they turn on every time they go out of town. They have ActiveHome set up so that they can monitor me with their computers wherever they go, and they have the Hawkeye Motion Sensors at our front door so that they can hear me when I come in at night after going out with my friends. This frustrates me. After all, I’m almost seventeen. Isn’t that called spying? How can I get my parents to show me some respect, and cut me some slack?

Signed:

Cinderella

Dear Cinderella,

I’ve heard complaints like yours before. It’s tough being a teenager. And it’s tough being the parents of teenagers. That is what makes questions like this so difficult to answer in a forum like this. But it’s a very relevant question, and so therefore I will answer it as best I can with my limited understanding of your situation.

At your young age (yes my dear, I’m afraid sixteen is a young age... but don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it), you’re prone to want to test the boundaries just a little when it comes to things like curfew and the limitations set up by your parents. This is a natural process of growing up, and it must happen for you to grow into a healthy adult. But it also creates many problems at the same time. Problems that your parents can see because they’ve been there. And because they’ve been there, they quite naturally want to prevent you from making many of the mistakes they made.

They’re also going to worry about your safety. There are many elements in life that can be very dangerous. Even in your own home, there’s potential for disaster.

What you might want to try (and this is very adult) is to show them that they can respect you because you respect them. When they go out of town they leave you home alone (which is a sign that they do trust you), but they leave the cameras on. That is what we call "insurance." That just guarantees that you will be careful. Smile into the camera. Write them love notes and hold them up to the camera. Wave to them in the camera, mouth the words "I love you" from time to time. All these things will give them a little smile while they’re away from you, and make them more anxious to get back to you.

When you arrive home, and you trip the motion sensor, just know that once your parents hear that chime, they will be able to sleep soundly. They will know that y ou’re home with them, that you’re safe, and then they can relax and sleep securely.

I understand how difficult all this is for you, but in doing these things you make yourself very adult. You are showing your parents that they can trust you, and that’s what they really want to see. And the more they can trust you, the more they will loosen their restrictions to allow you that respect you’re looking for.

Use this technology to show your parents that you love them, and that you appreciate them.

And Remember, technology is your friend.

Dr. Dopolis.

If you have a question for Dr. Dopolis, then send him an email at  xzone@x10.com