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Ask Dr. Dopolis - (October 9, 2000)

Dr. Dopolis is our on-staff "Technology Psychotherapist." Dr. Dopolis helps heal the relationships between users and their technology. We consider him one of the top (not to mention the only) Technology-Psychotherapists in the world.

One reader writes . . .

Dear Dr. Dopolis,

My wife and I have been having terrible arguments.  She gets so frustrated with my computer gadgets and toys.  Every night she complains that all I do is play on my computer, play with ActiveHome and DVD Anywhere, and monopolize the remote.  Then she goes into the other room and watches the game on our smaller TV.  What can I do?  I love my computer, and I love my wife.

Signed:

Torn Between Two Lovers.

Dear Torn.

First of all, let me point out that I don’t often do group therapy.  But this is a problem that I have seen so many times, in so many variations, that I have learned a few secrets when it comes to tackling it.

Let me start by expounding a little on your dilemma.  Your wife is probably feeling left out.  In her mind, she is competing with a meaningless, lifeless gadget, or maybe a series of them.  It’s been my experience that many partners would find it easier to cope with a living distraction than an inanimate one.

There’s also a strong possibility that she does not relate to your technology.  There’s a world of difference between the two of them.  Or if she does relate to the technology, she’s looking for something that you and her can share together.  But do not lose heart, this is a common problem and is easily resolved if all three of you… you, your wife, and your technology are willing to sit down together and work this out.

Obviously, if your wife is making the suggestion that you spend too much time with your technology, then what she’s really saying is that she would like some time with you.  And perhaps she’s right about the amount of time you’re spending with your technology.  The first thing you must do is take an honesty inventory.  Track how much time you spend with your computer and gadgets by keeping a technology diary.  If she’s right, you’ll see it quite clearly in the diary.

The second step to take is to make an agreement with her that for every hour she lets you spend with your gadgets, you spend an hour with her doing something she likes.  Watch a movie, watch the games with her, go out, read to her, make her feel like she is very much an important part of your life.    And at all times, instead of arguing, look for the common ground between the two of you, and begin to focus on what you both like.

Then step three, my favorite resolution is this.  Set up Entertainment anywhere, and sit and watch a movie together.  Plug the DVD into your computer, and teach her how to work it.  Get her excited about what you do.  When you use your ActiveHome appliances, make sure that she has as much access to them as you do.  Do not hog them all to yourself, but share them.  Then you will have yet one more thing in common.  I predict that if you follow these three simple steps, then you will find things between you and your wife becoming much more tranquil. 

And Remember, technology is your friend.

Dr. Dopolis.

If you have a question for Dr. Dopolis, then send him an email at  xzone@x10.com